After every year, people make tons of resolutions. Work out more, jerk off less, etc. The most popular resolution around me is to quit smoking. I agree that smoking is bad for you health but here are some places and times when a cigarette is amazing:
10. When you are stressed or angry
I get stressed and/or angry a lot. I sometimes wish certain people need to go run into trees or have bad things happen to them. Sometimes, it is just the workload or the things that I need to get done with the day to day life that stresses the fuck out of me. When that happens, smoking a cigarette really calms the nerves. I’d probably be arrested for punching someone’s teeth in or destroying a few walls and doors in the last 5 years but thanks to the power of the cigarette, I haven’t been arrested in close to more than a decade.
9. In Vegas
Vegas is an awful place. I say this not because I don’t have fun there. Rather, its because sometimes it’s a little too crazy. Next time you are in Vegas, go to the green door. Trust me, you haven’t seen shit til you have been there. Fucking weird place! Anyways, the great thing about vegas is that you can smoke damn near anywhere. On the roulette table, as you are losing your ass because your “lucky number” hasn’t hit since last week. At the club, you can dance with a cigarette in your fucking mouth. Amazing! It’s just awesome because if you did it in the cities where you live (outside of Las Vegas) you would get the shit kicked out of you by a security guard (black guy).
8. After a meal.
After a meal, any meal, a stogie really hits the spot. Being Korean, I eat quite of bit of soups and stews. Usually of the spicy kind. Anyways, after some soon tofu or pho, a cigarette just hits the spot. I use it for digestion really. When I was a kid, if I ate too much (which was often) I would drink a 7up for digestion. But now, I got for the good ole Malboro. Don’t believe me? Try and then email me on how much of an genius I am afterwards. You’re welcome in advance.
7. While having a meal.
This is something you can experience at home or in Ktown LA. After all these healthy conscious nut jobs took over and bitched about how they hate cigarette smoke, most cities in this country have made it illegal to smoke at restaurants. But in certain spots in Korea Town, you still can. Blame it on the fact that Korean people don’t give a shit about the law or they can’t understand the language. Whatever the case, I think it is amazing that you could smoke while eating galbi. So take that you tree hugging pansies!
6. Underneath cover when raining
I don’t know what it is. It doesn’t rain much in LA, but when it does, I will find a random awning and light one up. I don’t even have an awning at my apartment. I will go drive til I find the nearest awning and light that bitch up. Maybe its just the mood. I guess I am some weird emo fuck like that. Whatever the case its awesome so don’t judge me.
5. While High
It is something about smoking a cig after smoking some trees. I know I have younger kids reading this so some of you are judging me for setting a bad example but if you couldn’t tell already, I like to play that game of I don’t give a fuck. I’m very good at it. Like hall of famer status. Words can’t explain the gratitude of having nicotine go thru your system after the thc. Actually, doing almost anything while high makes it better. Aside from active things like walking, running, manual labor.
4. While drunk
Why is a cigarette so much better when you are drunk? Not quite sure really. But it is very much up there. If I am drunk enough, I can dust through a whole back in one night. I have done it and woke up the next morning thinking a deep throated a porcupine. But drunk cigarettes are dangerous so be careful. I’ve burned myself (literally) many times. I had a cigarette burn on my back once. That was fucking weird!
3. Long Plane/bus rides
I fucking hate plane rides. I am impatient and claustrophobic. Plus I am super addicted so that calls for one crazy ass situation for cross country flights. 6 hours without cig while a fat dude that smells like a homeless woman’s vagina is sitting next to me. (I don’t know what a homeless woman’s vagina smells like but I could imagine it being pretty bad. Summer’s eve isn’t readily available in skid row.) Anyways, so after a torturous 6 hours flight, I love to treat myself to a cigarette. Hell I don’t even go to the baggage claim until I get my fix.
2. After sex
I know a lot of girls hate the smell of cigarettes on their partners breath. Frankly, I am not a fan of it either. BUT after you bump uglies, it just feels great to have one. Maybe I have been programmed by the media. Who knows but after an hour of bumping uglies and your girl’s head has been a battering ram against the headboard, lighting one up is the icing on the cake. One of my former gf’s smoked cigs too. After an hour or two of phenomenal sex, we both would go out and have a cig. After the cig, we would go at it again. Damn she was so sexy.
Some of you might be wondering, how the fuck is this one number 2! Because number one is…
1. Smoking while taking a shit.
I don’t know how many people do this but smoking a cig while shitting is the best combination since peanut butter and jelly, kobe and shaq. A cigarette is already a laxative, but smoking while shitting is just putting 2 of my favorite things together. If I could eat steak while having sex, shit I wouldn’t do anything else. Hint hint to all you steakhouse owners.
If you guys think of other places please let me know. If i havent tried it, I probably will try it out at least once. Thanks!
No comments:
Post a Comment