#58: A Smoking Spoof

The Daily Smoker

Funded by the Institute for Smoking and Hacking and by the makers of FLEM: "Stay happy while we get rid of the nasty."

The Smoker's Perspective

Nicotine: The Supreme Drug for Supreme HealthStaff Writer: Jo "The Butthead" Khamel
For many years, anti-smoking groups, such as the American Cancer Association, and government agencies, like the Food and Drug Administration, have confused and mislead the public by incorrectly concluding that smoking is bad and unhealthy. Nonsense! In fact, there are several articles that would support nicotine as a drug that promotes perfect health.
For instance, and article by Doug Levy of the USA Today discusses nicotine's power of promoting alertness. Nicotine speeds up the communication between brain cells and stimulates areas of the brain tied to alertness and memory. Mr. Levy also writes about nicotine's relationship toward Parkinson's disease. Levy also writes that cigarette smoking can lower the risk of Parkinson's disease. Researchers claim that something in smoke lowers the levels of an enzyme known as MAO B. Smokers have about 40% less MAO B than nonsmokers or ex-smokers, according to Joanna Fowler of the Brookhaven National Lab in Upton, NY. Because reduced levels of MAO B result in greater amounts of dopamine, smokers may have a lower risk of Parkinson's, a nerve disease aggravated by dopamine shortages.
In another article by the Associated Press in the USA Today, researchers suggested that cigarette smoking sharpens short-term learning and memory among young people. Researchers at the University of California, San Diego, tested young smokers and nonsmokers at a word game that required rapid memory and quick recall. The 12 electrodes attached to the heads of the subjects in both groups recorded the brain waves while the word game was under way. The test clearly showed that there was a lot more processing going on in the brains of smokers when compared to nonsmokers. Jaime Pineda, lead author of a study presented at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience, said, "'A smoker's brain is busier at the memory task than were others.'" In this test, smokers were quicker and more accurate in specifying whether or not a word was part of a set of five words that were flashed on a screen shortly before.
To reaffirm that nicotine improves memory and learning, Sharon Bengley of Newsweek writes about the "wonderful virtues of tobacco" (68). Nicotine strengthens the communications between neurons in the hippocampus, a structure in the brain involved in learning and memory. Nicotine works by increasing the strength of messages sent throughout the brain in the form of electrical impulses. In order for this impulse, which travels on neurons, to jump the gap that lie between each neuron and continue the message, it has to send an understudy: molecules that can diffuse across the gap. If enough of these molecules, called neurotransmitters, reach the neuron on the other side, they spark an electrical impulse in it, and the message continues. Nicotine increases the amount of neurotransmitters released. This greatly increases the chances that the message will reach the neuron on the other side. The more messages get through, the more memory is strengthened. Bengley also reports the 1991 study that found that the risk of Alzheimer's disease is lower in smokers.
All in all, cigarette smoking and nicotine improve the health of humans. These anti-smoking groups and the FDA are totally and completely wrong. Anyone who believes these reports have been mislead. Nicotine and cigarette smoke promotes alertness and better memory recall. These improvements would make the excellent, ideal worker or student. By smoking, workers would no longer sleep on the job and students would learn and remember more material. Smoking and nicotine would also reduce the number of Parkinson's and Alzheimer cases and probably lead to a cure for those diseases. In the words of a former presidential candidate, "smoking is not addictive." So, light up because your health may depend on it!
This editorial is supported by the following: Flip Moris, Inc., JR Renolds, Inc., and The Council for Smoking and Hacking Research.

References

Begley, S. "Memories Are Made of...." Newsweek. November 4, 1996. 68.
Associated Press. "Research suggests smoking sharpens thinking." USA Today. November 19, 1996.
Levy, D. "Nicotine's power on brain tied to smoker's alertness." USA Today, August 8, 1996.
......"Smoking, lower Parkinson's risk linked." USA Today. August 8, 1996.
Disclaimer: The odd names (FLEM, Flip Moris, JR Renolds, Institute for Smoking and Hacking) are not real in any form. For certain purposes, those odd names are meant to be comical and should not be affiliated with actual tobacco institutions and companies. However, the cited references in the essay are reported facts found in newspapers and magazine articles. Jo "The Butthead" Khamel is not a real person. If it is, then the use was unintentional.